When the things that always happen happen

For example when I say teehee, it's either

These things that always happen make me happy, routine

Everything is always the same and it's tiring

Im feelig so

My ocs with gifts from encanto

What woukd they have

And RIA

RUAAAA

UUUGGH

i love mirabel

Ria dress and mirabel dress

I love mirsbel dress.i

I lvoe mirsbel

Mirsbel is my best favorite i love oyu

Im thinking

Abiut my ocs

My ocs

More speocofally ria

I want to watch encabto a second time to see the

Everything

Else

Like

Im

And junussa sent the gwen stwfani song

Which is making me go bonkers

Also the concept artisrs

The gwen stefani sing makes me think of concept art

It makesme wanna draw

And niki

I had my niki phase reawakened

But thne i watched encanto

But i dont knkw whay to feel noe

AND SK8

IM GONNA REWATCH SK8 TOO

BECAUSELIKE

IM GOING CRAZY

THERES SO MANY THINGS GOING ON IB MY HEAD

THATS WHY I GOTTA WRITE IN MY NOTES BECAYSE I CANNOT TAKE THIS

SK8....

I wanna draw fanart

For encanto and my ocs and sk8

Like

Just in geeneral really cool art

With mood and stuff

And colors

I wanna br artist when i grownon

Grow 7p

Grow up

Conceot artist

I was looking at alk the concept aef

I wanna get artbook too

I love art vook

And i had mental breakdown abiut pins today

I need ti get pins for cjristmas

I cant wait to make my Christmas gifts

And buy them

I have to do ut quick tho bc i dont have a lot of time

I need to tell my das

I need to organize stuff

Im so tired

But im sk hapoy

Today was so good

Because all these things haponed that amde me hapoy

Oc

The struggles of having to work at an early age

The struggles of expecttatims in family

Ria and loukas foils in terms of family business

[oc] Everytimr i watch captainsparklez my art is 10x better

On a more serious note happy late new year………….man 2021 kinda sucked hard because i didnt enjoy drawimg at AALLLL compared to 2020 but hey you win some you lsoe some i guess. I hope 2022 i can be more relaxed and manage my time better so i domt be rushing everything

Lore

I like nonsensical things because it makes me curious. If things make sense i dont really care. I want to do something like that. I want to find Creatuve ways n stuff to do it

oh yeah like even though the group is kinda small they get into trouble with like government officials and stuff lots of secretive hiding stuff yknow

Government cant do much abt it bc its only on border of being illegal so all they can do is regulate investigate keep track yknow

Basically it would start off in rias childhood for a bit then later it segways into m&m and elliot present day for more exposition and then as elliot heads iver to tree society thats where a lot of the plot begins

Oc

Big government represents the worst human quality but it is what mames us human and we learn to overcome that or something (ego?)

There is no point in rushing things

Go at yoyr own pace

OC SOCIETY SHIT

Redwood tree society

Trees ancient enough to supply life around them

Climate warm

Coastal society

Magic shit

Pirate shit

Beach shit

OC Thought

the trees whwre people live in are called [name] bodies

E.g.

The Scott body

Are you living to survive?

Or are you living to live

.or something lolol

Ocs story is like a memoire of everything ive learned amd discvrred about myself

No additional text

Ocs orarching theme

“live and let live”

Will be accompanied with themes that support the main idea as portrayed by characters learning and growing and becoming self aware by their own circumstances

Human emotion is complicated because often times its more than just happy, sad, etc.

Just do what makes you happy

You dont have to stress over leaving a “legacy”

Youve already left an impression with the people youve met and the things youve accomplished

Its bittersweet, but in the grand scheme of things, nothing matters

But thats not an invitation to make nothing out of your life

Have goals, be busy. Heck, if you want to leave a legacy, leave a legacy

You dont even have to do things that make you happy

Its natural to be sad. Its good to be able to feel all types of emotions

Thats what life is about

Enjoy it while it lasts

Cool dream idea

Really tall mall neverending and since its neberending and always full of people ot actually has past versions of yourself in it and its basically like time travel. The more you go up the jankier it gets because more of the past will be ip there since youre travelling such a long distance in so little time (elevator) and the perception of time gets messed ip the higher you go.if youre using the elevator you dont want to go from floor 0 to 100 for example because since it takes the same amount of time in the elevator to get to each destination if you go too far at one time its gonna mess up the contents of that floor and youre going to see more past versions of people and its like a wormhole not good. But if you went from floor 99 to 100 it would be normal you wouldnt see past versions its like a dofferent floor same content diff people probably idk

Cooking is a love language

Eating is something we do everyday because we need it in order to live

But that doesnt mean it should be a chore

Thats why humans came up with creative ways to prepare food

And eating alone isnt the same as with company

Like how cooking for someone feels more filling than cooking just for yourself

So i dont think food is only about eating

But the people you eat with

Me when i make a multiple paragraph essay to prepare for drawing a short 6 panel comic

Im going to choose to draw nikujaga as the food niki makes in my comic not only because it correlates with hot limit, but also because of the dish’s association with home working, which im sure the writer of Hot limit took into consideration when writing that part of the story/ I find it ironic how Niki had leftover nikujaga in the fridge–which he most likely cooked himself beforehand–since he lives alone. I would also like to count it as foreshadowing to rinnikis relationship later on and how they found comfort and a home within each other, after previously both living lives to which that detail was absent. Nikujaga isnt only a homely dish, but a simple and filling one as well, which is probably more so the reason why niki had cooked it in the first place. But there absolutely lies undertones of home cooking again, whether it be his cooking or someone else’s.

I think missing the taste of eating home cooked meals in one of those universally shared experiences that everyone faces at some point. And i honestly love the fact that everything knows what “home cooking” entails for them, but not necessarily for another person because its still such an individual experience. My friend and i were on the topic a month ago, ultimately agreeing that nothing ever beats home cooked food, even if other food was objectively better tasting. “Home cooked” is not a genre of meal, but rather an insight on memories or experiences associated with food that brings someone comfort.

Cooking is one of those things you don’t really pay attention to until you start approaching it independently. There comes a point in lots of peoples lives where something “home cooked” stops becoming a standard and joins the ever-growing pile of life’s unattainable luxuries. And at this point, its important to realize that its now YOUR responsibility to, in one way or another, reinvent your previous interpretation of home cooking.

For Rinne, I’m sure he definitely has his own idea of home cooking from what he ate as a child, but also groups Niki’s into a category of its own. Rinne believes he owes his life to Niki for “saving” him (which was realistically more an attempt to save Niki’s own ass from any potential legal trouble), and i wouldn’t put it past Rinne if he considers Niki’s nikujaga a comfort of his present day (along with the other stuff he cooks). Nikis food, on ots own way, is considered home cooked by rinne because the association brins him comfort.

When Niki was little, he loved cooking more because he could cook with his father. But since his parents became busier and more absent as he got older, he kinda lost that joy when it came to cooking; that cooking to just not about food, but the people you love.

But by meeting rinne he was taught that again

Before niki picked rinne off the streets, he just cooked for himself to survive, since he already had the skills to.

Since rinne didnt know much about niki when they were younger, and only knew that niki would have more energy after eating, he often showed his appreciation with food, to which niki noticed and subconsciously starting doing as well because it reminded him of how he cooked and shared food with his dad/parents

Niki began showing his appreciation for rinne’s company through food.

And not just by food, but by eating together.

Eating disorders, [redacted], its hard to eat sometimes.

I want you to feel loved. Share a meal with me

Hate

After buying one piece of candy at a candy shop to keep at home:

Entering the car, me sturggling to get in because its parked too close to another car

My mom: smiles

Me: smiles back

My mom: Wow you got so fat from eating candy you cant even get in the car? Hehehe

Me: immediate frown and resisting the urge to kick her

I literally cannot tell you how many times ive been bodyshamed by my mom whether its her calling me too thin or too fat like. Back in 2019 i was “thin” (by thin i literally mean normal weight) because i was basically starving myself after being bodyshamed and called fat by her. And then she began bodyshaming me and calling me too thin and then void hit and got more depressed and gained more weight then and so the cycle continues because ive been stopping eating again

And now she has the gall to ask me for some candy like no im not giving you any. But i gave her some anyway because shes not gonna shut up and acts like a little kid when he doesnt get what she wants and would porbably stay mad at me for two days because of it

I feel like she projects all her insecurities on to me because everything she shames me for she has the same problem but worse

Oc

Its important to remember that its okay to make mistakes

Even if you end up hurting someone with your mistakes its important to realize that youshould always try to be the bigger person in a situation and go about it practically

Its normal to feel guilty. In fact i think it would be weird if you didnt feel guilty

And if the other person is uncomfortable or unwilling to forgive then i think you should respect that decision of theirs. And its normal to feel upset over their decision too as long as you dont take it out unhealthily, whether it be by inflicting physical or emotional pain on yourself or others.

Guh

I coudlnt sleep at all last night like ok i took pills that rlly knock you out but it only worked for like 4 hours or less so i woke up at around 1 am tried falling back asleep but couldnt because for some reason by mouth was producing so much saliva so every 30 seconds i had to spit it out into a cup because if i tried to swallow it i would choke and gag and i tried throwing up like three times to alleviate symptoms because i always feel better after ithrow up but nothing was coming out and itwas probably because i ate like half a peanut butter jar last night because i was nauseous from noteating and te peanut butter is thick you cant exactly throw it up so i was like fuck. I would be able to sleep so much better if i didnt produce a fl oz of saliva every hour

I cant drink water without gagging

Oc

like one of the things i want him to develop as a character is having like healthy self confidence yknow. Like hes confident in himself but its the type of confidence where you still kinda feel a pit in your stomach youre confident enough that you dont get embarrassed by your actions and stuff but still have this feeling of self doubt inside thats debating the confidence of ur confidence i dont know how to describe

But yeah since he was originally interesting in stem and stuff because he just happened to be good at it he kinda restrained himself from like allowing to be creative which eventually lowered his self confidence even in something he was good at (stem) because even with technical subjects like that you still need to be able to think creatively to find solutions and stuff

And one of the things i really wanna display within all of my ocs how important allowing yourself to be creative and create is because i feel like its such a natural human desire yknow………

And by becoming somewhat of a photo/video model for his friend’s projects just because he was easily accessible i think also is helping him boost that confidence

Not to mention myriam literally dresses him and helps him try to figure out what kinda stuff he likes to wear and shit bc u already know depressing stem mfer is gonna wear the ugliest shit known to man

I like to imagine behind the scenes of the slutlliot pandemic its just all myraims doing for her silly little pictures and using elliot as a a mannequin bc she can

Time is both a blessing and a curse

Time heals all wounds ..but

Living to see things age and desaturate is so painful

Its like you constantly have to make things different for yourself

But thats just how things are

Feeling this specific emotion is a part of living too

Life is both a blessing and a curse

If anyone sees this

Im sorry for being such a horrible person

Im sorry for hurting everyone i know

Im sorry i have to be selfish and kill myself

You didnt do anything wrong

Theres something wrong with me

Theres nothing you couldve done to stop this

Please admit to me that i have been a horrible person all these years

Throw my dead body in the trash

My greatest fear

My greatest fear is tryong to help someone emotionally and yhen i dont help and make or even make ot worse

Oc

Whenever i try to help people o feel like no one is grateful for it. When i tried to consolidate [redacted] i didnt get much of a response. I tried so hard. It caused me pain because i already felt horrible. But when [redacted] consolidated [redacted] by doing the bare minimum [redacted] gave a response. Everything i do is wrong

I feel like ive forgotten who i am

Im going to try to rediscover myself

M

ealthy and your worst enemy

When it comes to making art, sometimes i burn myself out. In the past, it had come to the point that creating art was more stressful. I used high exposure and contrast to shock and bring in the view with jarring visuals.

Aging

Everyone gets so busy

I havent had time to spend my life with people i love

Everyones been busy

Is it just me whos changed or has the world around me changed

Or is it both

Or is one affecting the other

Oc

Instead of the drive to create art its moreso PASSION

Octopus

Cephalopods include octopus, squid, nautilus, or cuttlefish

Theyre basically like snails that evolved without a shell

Octopus mainly use their sense of touch and are incredibly intelligent

One species has 9 brains and 3 hearts

Cephalopods can change their rna to adapt to their environment

A common known fact (at least i think ots common) is that octopuses have 9 brains. But its actually like they have one brain in their heads that function like any other brain (being the control of the central nervous system) and then have the ability to separately control each one of their 8 arms!!! The reason for this is because most of an octopus’s neurons are located in the arms rather than the central nervous system. And since octopuses mainly use their sense of touch to gain information you can understand why each arm would have the ability to function as its own separate being.

Rant

I wouldve told tou everything but you kept sending mixed signals e.g. being condescending towards me whenever i made an effort to talk to you. So i thought you just didnt want to talk to me at all because when you talked to joey or angel despite also splitting with them you acted fine. So i thought “i think frankie just doesnt want me to get involved in their friend group anymore because it makes them feel left out and im stealing their place and they dont really see me as a friend anymore.” i know a lot of the distancing thing is from BPD but when youre not telling me things either even when i say its okay it makes me inclined to think that you just dont want my help. Im not the most mentally sound person and i feel like there are just loads of expectation being put on me that i cant handle all by myself. With you saying that i shouldnt contact anyone else about this situation youre making me feel like i have to keep all this internalized frustration to myself and if i do as little as even mention it to someone else im gonna be a horrible person. I cant be depressed all the time so when im interacting with joey or angel to distract myself from feeling anxious i regret it later and feel like im betraying you. I constantly have headaches and migraines because of my anxiety. This week i have been having throat/neck pain and pain in my ribs and stomach from anxiety. I feel like im regressing as a person. I was a much stronger person before than i have been in the last 6 months. I didnt let stuff get to me but the pressure was too much and now i feel like a loser to letting it get to me. Im trying not to be frustrated even though i am and am constantly holding back on everything that i do and feel like i can no longer be myself

…

And i know for a fact that the main reason ive been feeling like shit does NOT stem to frankie at all and has been stirring ever since October of 2020 because that was the start of a prolonged artblock and anxiety in making art (the only thing that kept me sane) because–and this is very stupid–i had owed art to someone and did not complete it. I still havent but im over that now. But. i have had a commission since may of this year and i still havent finished that either so thats also fucking me up

During this time i felt completely alone and lonely and was practically stirring with anxiety. Every time i tried to eat lunch my hands would shake uncontrollably and sometimes i didnt even eat lunch because i was embarrassed of this

…

I was previously heavily reliant on my old friends but being friends with frankie taught me its okay to have other friends and to not be miserable and feeling guilty that you do. Frankie literally provided me with so much support and i wanted to do the same because of how much they meant to me

I feel so comfortable around frankie and feel like i can tell them anything. At some point i resisted this because i noticed frankie wasnt doing well and did not want to overwhelm them more

The reason i want to help frankie and am always the first to offer support is not out of pity but because i want them to realize they are loved. I want them to realize its okay to make mistakes sometimes. I want them to realize its okay to ask for help. So i wanted to provide them with anything i could so they could realize that.

Im an incredibly critical person to myself and ive become less critical over the years but its still there. Ive always wanted to be the better person but sometimes that can’t happen because of how unpredictable human beings can be when it comes to their emotion. Im not an exception to that

After i started taking my antidepressants i became impatient because i realized even though i felt better and more confident there was still something missing. I was super unsure of whether i needed to take a higher dosage or what but i was so confused and all i wanted was to figure out why ive always been this way

Fast forward to me finding out i have adhd and realizing wow this makes a lot more sense than i realized. Hopefully it is adhd and that i dont have to go through this whole process again. Ive been feeling a lot better because there is a potential reason tired to why i function the way i do. Its just horrible timing that is also happens to be the time im spending less time with frankie

The time i spent with frankie was like an escape to everything else that was happening in my life

When frankie started exuding behaviors that made it seem like they hated me i genuinely believed they did. At the time i believed they hated me because i was talking to joey and angel more and that they thought i was butting into their friend group a little too much

I really wanted to not be hated by frankie because

I never really tell anyone about this but i have really bad body and self image issues. In 8th grade i just didnt eat at all and lost probably 5 pounds a week for 6 months. I counted the calories of every single thing i ate and did not let myself go over eating 750 calories a day. Sometime in 2019 my grandma died and i was like “man what am i doing with my life” and became a little more lenient on my eating habits

But i also have the tendency to stress eat. I stress ate a lot during that time because i was going through major depressive episodes because of my mom. It was hard for me to find comfort in anything

I dont think ive ever mentioned this to frankie despite how prominent in my life it has been. Im always embarrassed by it. I dont think ive ever even mentioned this to my closest friends. The only thing ive mentioned to them is that i have body image issues but not the specifics.

M

Lane, you have no idea how happy you’ve made me.

I seriously feel like a part of me has been full and fulfilled ever since we started getting closer. I’ve never felt so loved before until I started spending more time with you. Whenever I feel the slightest bit of hopelessness or dread, merely thinking about spending time with you gives me the energy to keep going.

You’re an incredibly understanding and kind person, and I want to offer you as much love as I can because you truly deserve it. You deserve to feel loved and appreciated and comfortable. You deserve to laugh and cry and feel every emotion without restraint. You deserve to have comfort in expressing your insecurities and personal struggles. You deserve to be listened to. I want to be an outlet for you to let anything out without fear or judgement.

Having dealt with episodes of anxiety and depression for the last five years, I finally feel a bit at ease when I look forward to spending time with you.

I’m excited to see us and our relationship grow more as time prevails.

I care for you, I’m here for you, and I love you from the bottom of my soul .

Luca

Be careful for what you do in the future because I WILL one-up you.

Response

I dont want this to turn into an argument but in terms of myself i HAVE tried. I have other stuff going on in my life and to be honest im trying to avoid this whole situation right now because i dont have the energy to delve myself into something else right now. Yes, i absolutely care about you and want to spend time laughing and enjoying time with you but i get turned off when i get responses that are condescending and uninterested. Im not blaming you for being angry, im literally just CONFUSED. Ive spent more time than i wanted just contemplating and talking to people for advice. Ive literally talked to my therapist for suggestions on how to approach this situation. Im confused and avoiding you because i feel like you DONT want to spend time with me. I feel like youre uncomfortable around me, and, to an extent, you probably are, im sorry if this seems harsh but if you at least want to repair bonds with me specifically please try to gain a little confidence to talk to be without resentment. Thats just what im getting at here. I try every once in a while to do little things like wave or smile when we pass in the halls (this week not so much since too much shit going on and im tired). I try to feel in and offer you opportunities to talk. You said you wanted space from me specifically and im simply waiting until youre actually completely comfortable, and i dont know if you are yet. I cant speak for the others.

When we discussed at related a little while ago about talking to your therapist about BOD you were unresponsive. I understand that you may not have the volition or energy to even consciousness to even do anything about regulating your delusional episodes or anxiety or just generally anything that you think is hindering you but at the crux of everything things are not going to change unless you also do something. I dont hold grudges. I rarely ever get mad at anyone. But im not going to make a huge effort if you actively avoid me. Im inclined to believe merely my presence is a part of the problem because of this

Maybe its selfish for me to say i dont have the energy but i really dont right now. I would like to reiterate that i absolutely enjoy spending time with you. Youve given me so much comfort during the summer frankie, so hearing you say that you claim that to ME it meant nothing literally fucking broke my heart. Its a small thing but it affects me to a degree i dont even want to admit because i dont want to seem like im overreacting. Im not saying this to make you feel like the villain here but at one point i was literally suicidal and making a gameplan because i felt like i ruined everything and that i only make things worse. And to an etent, yeah, i still struggle with that insecurity. And im sorry if this makes me seem disingenuous but one of the ways ive learned to cope is to just be as unserious as i can when its appropriate. Im giving myself little moments of momentary happiness to make up for when i get home and am only alone with my thoughts.

If i were to make a decision for the best of us right now i would say we need to take time off. That doesnt mean never talk again. Just not as much as we used to

H

Arm numb

Tired

Things

I wanna be looked up to

In the way thats like

“I really look up to this person because of their endurance. Theyre really strong and im motivated to keep going because of that.”

I want to inspire others in that way

Its extremely important to me

I want to feel important in that way

I want to be acknowledged

Jjjj

The things i would do to go at least a full week without any traumatizing dreams. Im so disoriented right now i cant remember anything that happened yesterday my brain is so foggy im confusing reality with my dreams i cant tell whats real or not

My dream last night

I went to costco to get things because my parents disowned me but when i left the house i only brought my phone with me so i didnt have any money. I called my dad to ask if he could give me money so i could pay for things and he didnt respond. Also called my mom, she didnt respond. Dad sent me a text saying how hes had enough of my lies and has officially disowned me. I debated on prostitution before i decided that it was my only option. Ended up fucking a guy, i was extremely uncomfortable but he paid a good chunk of money. Fucked another guy and was even more uncomfortable. I really dont wanna think about it or remember the details because it was disgusting. Ending up texting my parents that because of their incompetence i settled on prostitution to become my source of income and also told them im planning on killing myself. Thats where the dream ended

Im so uncomfortable and disoriented right now i dont want to get out of my room and i want to sleep all day i dont want to face my mom oh my god im literally so scared this all stemmed from me giving my friend my old ipad because i wanted to be a good person and then my mom got really really mad so i told her and my dad id get it back after winter break but theres also some conflict within the friend because now their parents want the ipad and now im so anxious and my mom started yelling really loud and my dad started yelling loud too and then i left the house and stayed outside

Im so scared of my mom and now im scared of my dad because i lied to them and i feel its over and i dont know what to do anymore i cant have a peaceful vacation i was mute so i didnt have to talk at all because i always make things worse when i talk

I dont really feel much of anything right now

No additional text

Life goes on

No additional text

A good way

A good way to describe how I usually feel is like in a fog. I never feel 100% there like 100% conscious.

…

Y wish i wasnt fucking depressed i keep getting worse and worse i just want it to go away i wanan do things like noraml i wanna feel thungs like normal i wish i could go back to doing art without wanting to kill myself i want to fucking kill muself i feel so alone all the time nothing is ever fucking enough i dont wanna do anything i wanna fucking rot in bed all day and do nothing thats when i feel the most at peace i judt want someone to love me i know people do but i dont know what love is i dont fucking know what it is

Staying home for long periods of time is just getting to me (i fucking hate vacation)

I wish i could enjoy art the same way i did when i was little, as a form of escapism. But for the past couple of years ive ruined myself and it has become more of a chore than anything. I dont know if this has to even do with art. All means of creation feels like a chore to me, whether it be through writing or art or literally anything else that requires you to think creatively. Which is a shame because once i do have the energy its the one thing that really gives life its meaning to me. I feel like being able to create and project yourself onto a medium is inherently human and is something everyone does, whether they are aware of it or not. Ive always had trouble with giving “art” a definition because theres so many ways to express. And in the end its all subjecting anyway (people are stupid). Anyway i really have no desire to do anything other than literally rot in bed i seriously hope one morning i dont wake up. And the thing that sucks is i dont have the energy to do anything if i really wanted to i just really want to think about it i just want it to happen and be quick and peaceful i just wanna be at peace with myself for once. School issued vacations is the only time i really have off and i always want to be productive but i can never get myself to be. Fucking hate it man. Tbh i dont really know what to do for the rest of the day because i wanna spend time with friends and loved ones but either everyones so busy or i immediately get disinterested because im too tired to make a decision on anything ever

Other commitments

As of late I have been extensively preparing for college. I'm unclear whether I will be able to work in the future, especially with such short notice, as I have other commitments scheduled. Thank you for the consideration.

Theres

Theres a reason why i hesitate to tell you about friends i make and about friends i have because you always use that information to belittle me in some way. You always get yourself too involved in my friendships and relationiships and tell me that i shouldnt be friends with someone and try to give me advice wehn i would rather myself find out how to navigate my friendships. With frankie you said you didnt want me to be friends because you thought you they were weird and you had a bad feeling. Im not just gonna stop being friends with someone because you say that. I want to be able to find out for myself and talk with the other person and base everything off of my own experiences. I dont think you understand that i want to find things out myself and deal with the consequences later because thats how i learn. I dont want to be served things on a silver platter. Whenever i talk about any of my friends you are always to incredibly weird about all of them and want me to pursue romance with them or believe that i want to pursue romance with them just because i show affection. I dont understand why you are so interested in what goes on between me and other people because ultimately it is not your problem. … I am so uncomfortable by your commentary on my personal life that has to do with the friendships i have with other people. It literally makes me sick to my stomach sometimes. Therefore i refrain from even telling you about my friends. I dont know if you will even be able to properly understand how to mend this behavior because you have a history of continuing to do things even after i have told you to stop.

OCS

Boat crash thing with:

MRL + Rue + ? = survivors

Elliots parents + MRL’s dad + more = dead

Story highlights survivors guilt, trauma..

Mark especially gets more strict

OC dream

Owl house esque,

Octopus thing plants something in ground, vapor-ink starts following them, ria and rue have to make a run for it

They make a run for it, eventually escape, get thrown into water, both swim towards a safe place

School advisors help them

When theyre both completely safe ria is a little lightheaded starts saying sappy shit, rue doesnt realize rias state, eventually ria looks up at rue and she looks really drained and rue is like “oh my god oh my god” and starts crying a little bit

Its not going to be worth keeping in touch with her. And this bothers me because i love my moms side of the family and abandoning that feels like im abandoning my identity. The family ive felt closest to was my mom’s side of the family but as i grew older ive been just drifting farther and farther apart from them. My dream in the future is to share me and my family’s culture to the people i truly love and make a family of my own full of friends and people ive connected with over the years.

I actually feel a bit lonely right now. Even though i spent a weedend with my friends at animeboston, even though i spend time flirting and talking and playing games with you i still cant ignore this ever growing feeling of being isolated and misunderstood by even the people who are closest to me. Its a feeling of loneliness that encapsulates your entire being. I feel like i dont even understand myself, and to an extent i really dont–and im fine with that. But it feels like im detached from reality. I believe that this is honestly quite a normal thing for everyone, and that they experience it in their own ways. And i do find some sort of comfort in that–that everyone feels lonely. But i really just yearn to feel someone, and to wrap myself in someones arms, and to hear their breathing and ehartbeat and goofy little stomach noises if im laying against them. I wanna be able to run my hands through someones hair, or have them lay their head on my shoulder and wrap my arm around them as they do that or vice versa. I want to make someone feel so truly and utterly loved and to be so loved and to just spend little moments with them like driving with them to school or to walmart and to just be able to enjoy that sort of comforting silence and serenity between two people. To just be in each others presence and feel at peace with that and to feel no obligation to strike up a conversation or occupy yourself. To be able to sit in peaceful silence and exchange words of affirmation without even uttering a single word. I wanna be able to feel so at peace with someone that i can just sit next to them while they read or do something peace and to be able to fall asleep beside them. That is probably the one thing i want the most in life right now.

I realized

I realized…..that what i was missing in some of my relationships was deep psychological discussion

Therapy

I get really insecure about my relationships with people. Back in middle school when i got closer to my now closest friends i remember i would spend a lot of nights crying because i thought they would leave me because i was too annoying or i didnt feel worthy of being their friend and stuff but got jealous when they also had friends and stuff like that and eventually after a long while i came to realize that they do care about me and now theyre the people i trust the most right now. And because of that i wasnt concerned about our friendship and wasnt insecure about it

I was thinking to myself that i noticed i started “getting better” once middle school ended but then i went to a new school with new people and wasnt confident enough in myself to interact with others; or i just didnt want to. And then i met frankie and was like “wow someone i can bond with!” and at the time i was thinking wow yknow this isnt so bad but as our relationship got stronger it was actually kind of taxiing on my mental health as well because they told me things i didnt really know how to react to. And since they were my only friend at the time i didnt know if i wanted to be stern or compliant so i chose to be compliant and stuff. And then like a bunch of stuff happened right and i went in downwards spiral for a couple of months straight and i also began talking to my boyfriend more but i still want 100% normal and he helped me through a lot of that but also i started feeling like i was before from back in middle school; like when it came to my relationship with him. I kind of feel even worse because hes the only person ive been venting my frustration to and he says hes happy to listen but i dont want to overwhelm him with everything thats fucked up in my head. I feel like i got worse at reading the room and just want to say everything thats on my mind all the time because i felt like ive been repressing all that but sometimes its not the right time for it. And all this i think is rooted in the same thing middle school me was experiencing because its the exact same feelings and stuff. And i know eventually everythings gonna be fine but i want this to be as painless as possible because last night i had the worst headache of my life, woke up at 3am couldnt sleep until 4am just wallowing in pain. I dont want that to distract me from other things i need to do.

Fuck it hurts so much

*I physically could not type this one out. A love letter to my ex*

Im crying for multiple reasons

1. Im tired from travel and my entire body hurts and i just wanna sleep

2. I dont know what to do about my future (college)

3. I miss [redacted]

4. I dont know the status of our relationship

He says he wants to date me, he says he wants to love me, then he says he doesnt know if hes ready for a relationship, then we meet up and kiss and be intimate and he says he loves me, then he says he needs time to think about it

I know he cares for me and loves me. He shows it. But i cant seem to make my brain understand that. I dont want to overwhelm him with questions but i want an answer. Im scared ill lose him and hes scared to hurt me. I feel so annoying and like an asshole for thinking any of this because i know hes just stressed all the time and tired and this just adds to it. I dont think i can be “better” for him if i tried; i could have everything that he finds attractive but i dont think that will change anything–which mades me relieved, of course. But i still want to be better for him. I dont know if this is a me problem or a him problem. This is the most angsty teenager problem of my life but i cant help it.

Poem

I find comfort in sleeping when the icy coldness envelops me, freezing me in the sea’s grip.

I envision a future where I’ll swim freely among the fishes. Someday, i won’t have to hold my breath or be swept away. But for now, the ocean’s current keeps knocking me off balance whenever i attempt to break free. Each time I step into the water, it overwhelms me, flooding my senses and filling my lungs.

what if minecraft was called freak craft and instead of mining diamonds you groomed minors

Balance

Balance isnt equal amounts of everything, but amounts that correspond and work with one another. And you cant figure that out all alone. Its not something that comes to you instantly. You have to find out what your balance is.

OC BACKSTORIES

Elliot Carreras

Columbian descent

Pre-adoption

Mother was absent for most of life, but had a loving family in the hands of Myriam’s family. As a result Myriam is basically Elliot’s sister.

Elliot and Feliciana were poor; it was a single parent household as Feliciana had a teen pregnancy. She was absent for most of Elliot’s young life until she handed him over to Myriam’s family.

Elliot usually spent time in Dalia’s home anyway, so this was technically not much of a change. However, Elliot still felt abandoned by his own mother.

Feliciana and Dalia had a very strong, close relationship. There was definitely something going on between the two, despite Dalia having a husband. Feliciana’s stress got to her, being a single parent, sex worker, in poverty, and unable to truly be with the woman she’s always trusted most. As a result, she left Elliot with Dalia and fled. Elliot was all Feliciana had, but she knew that in order for her son to have a decent childhood, she’d have to leave him in the hands of a family she trusted. Dalia did not know Feliciana was never going to come back

Feliciana defaulted to sex work as their main source of income, However, she had trouble keeping up with both work and her son.

Elliot seldom saw his mother and, therefore, had an estranged relationship with her. As a child, he was not close with her and resented Feliciana.

Feliciana was always in her son’s best interest, but to Elliot, it seems like she had abandoned him when, in reality, handing him over to Dalia was the best decision in her circumstance.

Post-adoption

Elliot and Myriam were always close because of Dalia and Feliciana being close.

Elliot permanently moved in with Dalia at 8 years old, when myriam was 6.

Because elliot was older, he played the role of an older sibling to myriam despite being the newest addition to the family.

Dalia, despite not being elliot’s mother up until he was 8, was still referred to as “mom” by elliot on account of Feliciana saying that he could see her as a “second mom”

Elliot and myriam grow up together for the rest of their childhoods

Myriam Sa’ad

Mizrahi/persian descent?

**Childhood hobbies**

Make and cut stickers

Draw in a sketchbook

Create clay figures

Make mini items

Make mini house

Read comics

Use paint/markers/colored pencils

Sew doll clothes

Play video games

Watch cartoons

Build legos

Writing stories

Swimming

Playing piano

Video game where youre a moderator for social media apps and how taxing of a job that is (having to see extremely triggering content everyday for hours and hours because it is your job while also being severely mistreated by the industry, and not even being able to hold social media companies accountable because you’re hired through a third-party contractor.

Notes

There, There

Tommy Orange

Main idea: Tommy Orange, a native American author, discusses the intricacies of urban native culture, personal identity, and discrimination in his novel There, There through the lives and stories of twelve distinct native americans.

“The Indian’s head was just above the bull’s-eye, like all you’d need to do was nod up in agreement to set the sights on the target. This was just a test.”

“We are the memories we don’t remember, which live in us, which we feel, which make us sing and dance and pray the way we do, feelings from memories that flare and bloom unexpectedly in our lives like blood through a blanket from a wound made by a bullet fired by a man shooting us in the back for our hair, our heads, for a bounty, or just to get rid of us.”

“Being indian has never been about returning to the land. The land is everywhere or nowhere.”

Octopus

12:20 My ocs as the octopus nervous system. One brain that controls them but the arms are separate. I have 9 main ocs

1:04 pm

since im rewriting all the notes in my notes app for my project i have to rewrite old love letters to my ex and old vents and rants and dreams and im reliving traumatic experiences and its difficult but im not having too much of a rough time. i think its really useful for me to do this since i have memory issues and having to expose myself to these things again forces me to remember and gain a new perspective on those old moments of my life.

1:22 pm

Our relationship was artificial. It was a synthetically developed relationship where i was trying to get close with someone to fill the void of losing frankie, i was rushing it. I didnt ever actually like you. Reading old notes, i dont even want to type out the things ive said to you because i feel like internally and to my character and growth, they were not important. It was merely just a product of a bigger problem that proved to be so insignificant that i feel like an idiot for loving you.

1:30 I wanted to form a relationship that was perfect, something i could find absolute comfort in. i wanted to craft it myself, because i felt like that was something i could do

Im not sure i really care about people. I know i do to smoe extentm but i feel like im faking my interest in other people’s things. I dont think i actually care about [redacted] or about [redacted] or anything. But i still do want to see their things, what theyre up to. But i dont think i care. Weve had deep psychological discussion.

I think what makes a relationship even stronger is distance. I think being away from people for long periods of times strengthens the bond. I am tired of people. I cannot spend so much time with them, because i get tired. I dont want to hear about every single little thing that happens in your life. Sorry. I want to be close with you, but i dont think that spending so much time together is what i need in a friendship. I like to be in people’s presence without having to talk. I enjoy the company. Its a reminder that theres someone in my life i trust, or that im not the only person in the world. I do not like to talk much.

im exhausted, but im happy